Caringonline Blog Site

today

closemyeyes — 2013-05-22 17:11:11

pretty depressed today. i've been doing pretty well lately with recovery, friends, work, etc. but had a major ED relapse yesterday, all day. it sucked. i came home and continued to relapse. didnt have the energy to focus or mentally get up again. went to sleep around 9pm. i woke up feeling nauseous from the relpases and called in sick to work. intended to be productive and do recovery work today. but today feels purpose-less. i dont get it. why am i either over-busy/stressed out or depressed from having no set schedule? i dont like the over-busy-ness, but i guess that keeps depression at bay? then i get burnt out from the overload.

i dont know.

ive been doing pretty well lately, but today feeling bummed out. recovery seems like a really, really high mountain. i feel like im somewhere at the bottom of the mountain today.

ill probably feel better tomorrow. just couple things bothering me right now. gonna clean my room and hangout with the housemates tonight.

oh, and ive been thinking about jon a lot too. i miss him. its weird that he's been just a regular good ol' friend. and now i think about him all the time and wanna see him, but i dont do anything about it. our friendship is at the same pace, although there was a little spark on a recent dinner night out. i wonder if he's thinking anything too. or is it just one sided. i dont even know if im ready for a relationship. anyways.

later.

tonight's dinner

closemyeyes — 2013-05-04 13:51:20

I'm in a funk about tonight's dinner w/ jon, so hopefully can blog this out and calm down before 7pm.

I've known Jon since high school & we've been good friends since we got back in touch in 2011. He's also a pastor's kid w/ family issues, so we really connect on so many things. When we re-connected in 2011, we were both seeing someone else so there was never a romantic vibe. We met up for lunches and dinners, talked about our girlfriend or boyfriend problems, about life, about family, etc. Since I wasn't interested in him, he knows I struggle w/ eating disorders, trust issues, and get realllyyyy weird when I'm in a relationship. It's cool that we know each other.

Then January, there was this weird vibe btwn us. We spent new years eve & new years day together (since neither of us do holidays w/ family). There were drinks involved. We never talked about it and I haven't seen him since that incident... so I feel a little awkward and nervous about tonight.

For the first time w/ him, I'm thinking "what will we talk about?? will we have awkward silences? will i be all weird and giddy? will i freeze up?" etc. I hate, hate, HATE when I get like this. He & I have always had good talks for hours... so why am I nervous about it now?

Anyways, I know I'm over-thinking this. If there is an interest on both sides, it will be gradual or something. But tonight, we are hanging out again as friends (with possible interests) and just catching up on life.

I hope I won't be weird and nervous around him tonight.

recent conviction

closemyeyes — 2013-05-19 20:51:09

Exhuasted after an insanely busy (but fun) weekend. My eyelids are shutting down, but blogging while waiting for my laundry to finish.

Life has become so busy, productive, fun, and more purposeful. I'm so grateful. But there are always issues and struggles to work on. One constant issue for me is perfectionism. Especially in appearance. It's as if I believe that appearing "put together" on the outside will cover what's going on in the inside - which is not true. I've been convicted recently that I don't give half the attention to whats going on inside as I do on my outer appearance.

I do church responsibilities half-heartedly, while I give my 100% detailed attention to my makeup, hair, outfit, exercise, etc. Definitely something to work on.