I notice

[Amisha]

Every now and again i log in to see if any of the old faces have left a message. whilst this board is not used as much as i remember each time I log on there are a least 4 'guests' I just wanted to welcome them to the site and invite them to tell us their story.
I also wanted to share that I have been doing well for a while now. I really feel like I have turned a corner and there really is a light at the end of this tunnel. I am still unsure whether I will ever be able to forget everything and feel absolutely 'normal' around food but I am not sure that's the point. I always thought that that would be how I would tell I was ok... when I'd almost forgot I had a ED. but now I think that maybe it's like being an alcoholic I will always have had an ED I will always have to watch out that I don't slip up but it will be easier as each day/week/ month/ year passes. If you are one of those 'guests' and you are shy and not sure if you want to join be a part of this recovery site all I can say it without this site I would probably be dead a definately wouldn't be able to say that I am still confidently walking down that road of recovery.

If any of the golden oldies see this I just wanted to say thanks for everything for listen to me moan and cry for helping me when I needed it most and making me realise that I was worth the effort. You have blessed me in a way I will never be able to repay. Thanks.

Well that was longer than I had planned but I think I said what I needed to. If anyone wants to contact me feel free to PM me but for now this will be the last of my visits to this site. I don't feel that need it

Wendy - I love you so much and you have been so kind I will never forget you. You surely have earned yourself an express ticket to heaven...first class of course.

Take care all.

kisses
Amisha.

[changingtobefree]

Hey Amisha!
Good to see you on here, and congratulations!
I'm glad you're doing so much better. And thank you again for messaging me. Like I said I really haven't been in the best spot in the world, so I needed to talk to someone. Thanks for being there.

[Amisha]

I was obviously in a really good place in Oct to say that I don't need this site anymore!

[Icare]

I'm sorry that I haven't been around. It seemed like no one was coming here much and I kind of was discouraged and got out of the habit of looking. Then I just kind of got messed up. Sometimes it seems hard to encourage others or I feel like kind of a fraud saying you can do it...when I feel like I'm discouraged myself.

I will keep encouraging you though and I will pay more attention now that I know some of my friends are here again. I've missed you guys.

Wendy

[Amisha]

Well all do it Wendy so don't worry. Glad some of us are still about and I think this site is important even to the people who are not ready to post yet but can are just a bit reassured that there are others who would understand. I hope and pray that you are ok Wendy you are such a beautiful soul and you deserve happiness.

[changingtobefree]

WENDY!
I was wondering how you've been! So glad to hear your voice!

It is hard falling back into it, but we can always climb back up. thank you for being honest, but thanks most of all for still being here!

[Icare]

I'm ok....I just really struggle with addictions. It seems like I tend to jump from one to another never really stopping, just changing the route of escape. It was interesting listening to what you had written in a posting (to Julian I think) Wayland.. about needing people to talk to. I don't talk to anyone except my counselor about any of this stuff. I've always been honest and accountable about what I'm doing with him, but I'm getting to the point where I don't really want to tell everything any more. I've had a break in seeing him and just seem to have done a lot of reverting during that time. Problem is, I kind of like it. I do need to be careful what I say here. I mostly just try and stay as isolated as I can. Then I ask that question that it seems like we all ask....is there ever an end?

[Amisha]

Was thinking exactly the same thing Wendy. Today has been a BAD day - ED wise. I seem to be slipping back into old ways cos I was trying to give up smoking and that made me eat and that made me put on weight .....sure you can see where this is going. I was just thinking that it feels like I just have to have something in my life. Alcohol, sex, cigarettes, my ED - Just want to be normal but part of me needs it.

[Icare]

And then sometimes it seems like you need a little bit more drugs or to mix alcohol with it to get a little bit more high. You know what I mean... I think sometimes it's that I can't find resolution to this stuff inside. I try to make it ok and you think you are going on ok and then one of those nasty triggers hits you, then boom. I just haven't learned a healthy way to get rid of stuff. Everyone says God....but I can't seem to get that figured out. Most of the time I just feel angry at God right now. I don't know.

I wasn't sure if it was ok for me to write my feelings, what I am going thru out here, so I asked. It's ok. I trust you guys and I don't talk to anyone else except my counselor. Sometimes it just feels like you need input and talk about stuff with someone.

Thanks for being my friends Amisha, Julian and Wayland!

[Amisha]

Glad you feel you can share with us Wendy. You are a very special person. I know what you mean re God. Sometimes (a lot of the time) It's hard to image that God cares anything about me but then again something led me to this site....to you guys.

[changingtobefree]

i understand right where you're at wendy. seems like when i isolate and stop sharing with people i should be sharing with things kind of snowball, but that seems to attract me at the same time it's taking me down. that's when it's the hardest to pull out of the whole thing it seems. but it's not a point of no return like it feels like...
i'm so glad that you're allowed to open up here. everyone needs a safe haven i think. without one it would be hard to ever open up anywhere. i'm feeling myself put on weight, and i'm not liking it either. i know the next parts of the mess, so i'm trying to keep the ball from rolling in the first place. the truth is probably that i'm not really gaining that much even, but anything feels like too much.
and as far as the god thing goes... i've battled with this one off and on my whole life. first i love it, then i hate it, then i don't know if it's real, then i don't care. for me right now, i find that it seems to help to pretend it's real and if it is real, know that it's stronger than my ed, or my addiction to anything else. because if he's real enough to bring all of us together and keep us alive through the things we've lived through, then it's got to be powerful enough to help through this.
and i think there will be times when we don't have to fight one or the other of these addictions... it's a hope of mine. and i think that regardless how far away it seems, i can still move closer to it and feel good about that.
hang in there gang, talk to you soon!