My experience

[admin]

I struggled with depression for many years, even as a committed Christian. But I am happy to say, it has now been many years of not struggling with depression.

There were many years that I did not even know I was depressed-I just figured that was how life was. When I finally realized I was living with depression, for a long time I wanted to think I could just get over it. It took many thoughts of suicide, loss of relationships, etc. to come to the point I was serious about getting help.

For me, there were two major things that helped me (and I see God in the midst of these things). One was to finally agree to get on medication and to stay on it until it accomplished it's job. After trying various medications I stayed on Prozac for a year. I know all the negative stuff about Prozac, but it worked for me. The second thing that I did was go to a 10-day Intensive Treatment Program. It changed my life.

I have thought over and over again about the Intensive and what was so 'magical' about it. For me, I think it is because I was around many other Christians who lvoed Jesus as much as I did but were also screwed up. I felt 'somewhat normal'. I felt like I was not alone. I felt hope. I think part of the healing is that I became humble. Humility is what has kept me from getting back into depression. I know it sounds weird or contradictory. But my pride stopped me from getting the help I needed.

How do I stay away from depression and suicidal thoughts controlling my life-I renew my mind daily, hourly if needed. I make a conscious choice everyday to not walk back into bondage. I am aware I could at any moment fall right back into the old patterns-I can't-it will kill me next time.

Hope this helps someone.

[Amisha]

Thank you for sharing your story it helps. I try to do make that same decison everyday, sometimes it works and sometimes i fail. I can't seem to get over the childish 'it's not fair' stage sometimes. Sometimes it feels as though everything I touch rots. I don't know how others view their lives but I can't help sometimes thinking that I am full of badness. Not that I do hurtful or horrid things it's not that. I try as much as I can to help others to see goodness in people and not to be angry (that last one don't work too well) but I feel like I look at the world differently. The way I look at the world - friendships, relationships, money, food, everything is tainted. I don't feel (and not sure I ever have felt ) normal. Part of my wants to belong I suppose and just conform but the ruling half says I should be honest so say what is in my head. follow my heart and am alone. Should I change how I think as it doesn't get me what I want and if so how? or should I be truer to myself but unhappy. I know where my depression comes from I have looked back and have identified causes I just don't know what I am meant to do with the information I have now. I am sure that none of you are trained therapists but I just would like someone elses opinion.

Love and kisses

[admin]

In some ways you sound like me.

I seem to never 'fit in'. That was a struggle for me for many years. There was a part of me that wanted to fit in, but there has always been more of me to be faithful to be who I am rather it is popular or acceptable to others. I am not talking about being accepted in regards to doing sinful behavior. Or that being me in anyway condones any wrong behavior. I think you probably know what I mean.

Overall I have not thought that I am full of badness, but just that I am so different than others. My wife always reminds me that I am 'one of a kind'. I have learned to come to terms with it.

I have made the decision to be true to myself even if it means I am unhappy. But I am learning how to be true to myself AND be happy.

I know I am not 'normal', but then I don't think anybody is really 'normal'. What is normal? I refuse to be put into somebody else's box of what normal is and I try (as hard as it can be) to not put others into my normal box.

My goal in life is to be a person of integrity, honesty, openness, sincere, and be a person of balance. My experience has shown me that means I am not normal. So be it.
My biggest challenge is no longer to wrestle with 'fitting in', it is how do I apply the above principles in my life and not expect everyone else to have the same priorities. I have too high of expectations at times.
What I have to work on is t

[changingtobefree]

hey amisha!
wow, i'm with him. i feel so much that way sometimes. just like you, i try to make a daily decision to not be down on myself, to not give into the e.d. to not use just for today... and most days (in the last 8 months or so) i haven't used the e.d. or the drugs to change the way i feel... the bad part is that means i still FEEL like crap. i still feel different and feel like i can't be too close to anyone or they'll know who i really am and run from me as fast as they can.. it does sometimes feel like all that i touch goes to crap, but if i step back and have a touch of humility like richard was talking about i can kind of realize that i'm really not powerful enough to affect my surroundings like that.
now i know that sounds kind of crazy... but i went to treatment as well, but we called it REHAB, ha ha. (for the drugs) and they had a session on the big "I" and the little "i". the ways i look at myself. the big "I" is when i feel like "i deserve this because i did so much work" "that person is so messed up" (as if i'm not right?) and the little "i" is when i feel like "i'm the lowest thing on earth." or "everyone i encounter is going to have a bad day just from being around me.."
both of those are unrealistic ways of thinking. i'm starting to find in my step work that i'm not nearly as good or as bad as i usually think i am. ha ha. but as crazy as that sounds, it's true. kind of like he was saying, i am what i am right now... not less, not more. maybe i'm not satisfied with where i am at the moment, but in realizing that i know that i can grow and change. maybe that's seeing my therapist or talking to some friends (like you're doing here) or for me calling my sponsor and working on my stepwork. but doing something positive to get me out of my head is almost ALWAYS the answer. my sponsor told me that in order to change my thinking i have to first change my actions. i have to act my way into better thinking. so if i'm wrapped up in my head feeling down, then i need to get out of myself and help someone else or do something constructive until i can start feeling better.
i sure did relate with everything you wrote. i don't always manage to do this stuff, but it sure has helped every single time i've applied it all. in fact that's kind of what i'm doing here now. a friend of mine died last night. he was a lot older and we've all been kind of expecting this for a while, but one of my sponsors friends is REALLY close to this guy and i'm worried about him too. but when i come on here i can find all kinds of people that are looking for solutions and find positive things to read.
so thanks guys,
take care,

[Amisha]

Really grateful for the responses guys. Makes a LOT of sense and it's good to know I'm not the only one who even thinks about these types of things- that helps loads. Sometime you forget that other people out there may be thinking/feeling similar stuff. Not sure I ever thought it possible to be me [u]and[/u] happy but it's a real nice thought and definately something to consider. Totally get your comment Wayland ' i still feel different and feel like i can't be too close to anyone or they'll know who i really am and run from me as fast as they can.' I feel that one all the time.
I suppose like everything else in my life it's something I need to think more about and work more on.
Thanks again
I love you guys. x

[admin]

like i can't be too close to anyone or they'll know who i really am and run from me as fast as they can.'

If they know who you are and will run as fast as they can, maybe you don't want them in your life.

For me, I don't many close friends, but the ones I do are great. Rather have only a few who accept who I am.

[Icare]

People always preach about being transparent. I couldn't ever be. I get tired and feel so weighed down with the crap that I carry inside me. I get tired of feeling like I still need to protect my abusers. I get tired of feeling guilty about all the things I'm responsible for doing. I feel like I want to just stand on the top of a hill and shout them out. I am so f'ing tired and overwhelmed. People say the past is past. It's not always that easy. Maybe you haven't done things like you did in the past, but sometimes the feelings and urges are still things you fight with. How then are you free? You aren't. You are still haunted. Ever listen to that song "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran ...how do you change from a world of surviving to a world of living?

[Amisha]

It's weird but I get what your saying and agree with you Richard, I want those few friends that love me no matter what I think the problem is more that I wouldn't want people about who like the person I am cos I suppose I don't see that I have anything to offer. I wouldn't be friends with me so how can I expect anyone else to. I know that's not the most positive outlook on life but I as Wendy said letting go of the past is a lot lot harder than I ever thought possible. and to be honest I don't know how anyone does it. There are things that I don't think about as much but I still have nightmares about stuff that happened 17 years ago. I still can't forgive myself or others even though I know I should or I will never heal. I feel weak and stupid. Like everyone else gets how this life thing works but no one bothered to tell me.
Wendy I don't know that song but I get your point. I have survived a whole heap of things. I have reached 30 now what? I don't want to survive anymore. I don't want to get through each day or overcome each problem, I want to enjoy a least a little bit of my life I want to be happy I want to not have to think about if I am eating, what I am eating and how I am eating. I am not saying I want my life to be perfect, I'm not that stupid I just want a break. I just want someone to tell me that one day it's gonna have been worth it, that there is a point to all this pain. I want to belive that I am worth more
I am so so tired of all this.

[admin]

I can tell you there is hope and it will be all worth it. But yes, if you do not forgive others or yourself, you will be in bondage for a long time.
Several years ago, I put some stuff on the web in regards to suffering, and depression. I thought I had something on forgiveness, but I can't find it.
In regards to forgiveness there are some lies out there:
Forgive and Forget-There is no way to not remember, but you can choose to think differently when the thought comes to your mind.

To forgive means that you must let the person who wronged you 'off the hook'-that is not true. God is a God of justice. The key is let God do the judging and the discipline, not us. We can never issue enough discipline ourselves for some wrongs done to us. We must turn the person over to God.

Forgiveness is about feelings-another lie. Forgiveness is about choices, not feelings. We make the choice to forgive regardless of how we feel. It is a decision. If we wait until feel like forgiving, we can wait years.

The biggest problem with forgiveness is that if we don't forgive the wrongdoer, we give them power over our lives for years and years. The only one that gets punished is us.
Here is a true story:
A jogger was running in a park at night after visiting some friends. A man attacked her and then raped her. After the rape she was able to get out of the park and flag down a car for help-it was the rapist. He proceeded to rape her again. She finally was able to get to the hospital. At some point a grief counselor meet with her. He told her that she needs to consider forgiving the rapist at some time or the experience will destroy her entire life. Here are the words of the woman-
"I forgave the rapist that night. He ma have taken away a few hours of my life, but he will not steal my entire life." Because of conscious choice on her part, the rapist, and the memory of the rape, had no power over her.

We cannot undo the past, but we can make a conscious choice to live beyond the past. Do we focus on the suffering, the pain, etc. or do we focus on the fact that God brought us out of that bad situation and we have made the choice to not walk back into the situation?

How humble are we? Do we honestly think we are better than those who have harmed us? Have we not harmed others? Are we not capable of being just as bad, or worse, than those who have harmed us? For me, I know that I am capable of being the absolute most evil person there is if I ever walked away from God. Thus, as much as I may hate some things that people do, I know that I am no better than them-I just happen to know someone who is better than all, Jesus Christ, who gives me the grace to walk as an overcomer. Again, that does not mean that someone should not pay a price for their actions-fired from a job, jail, insane asylum, even death penalty.

Just maybe there will be something here that may help you and others:
http://www.creatingfutures.net/suffering.html
http://www.creatingfutures.net/depression.html

One of the main reasons many people to do not get beyond their past is because of how they think and how they see life. This may be of help to you.
http://www.creatingfutures.net/mindset.html

I know people who have gone through horrific things that are living a victorious life now. They made the choice-for some, many tough choices. Just one example is a man whose home was set on fire from arsonist. He was badly burned all over his body and his father was killed in the fire. He made the choice to go to alcohol to bury the memories-of course they never were buried and he became mentally ill and homeless. However, for over 7 years, he is now a missionary to Africa. How did it happen? He became more desperate to become whole than to dwell on the past. He got a glimpse of hope and grabbed hope and did not let it go. It took a couple years to overcome this tragedy-but he did. It should be noted he has not 'arrived' and still has challenges, but he has given hope to literally thousands of people because of the choice he made to live beyond the past.

I sure hope this rambling helps someone.
BTW-I lived with depression for years and years. Many times suicidal. I know what it is to not have hope. But I also know what it is to get to the other side and stay at the other side-for me, it is much self-talk, and of course Jesus Christ truly being the Lord of my life instead of me. I am a hopeless cause without Him-even sometimes with Him.

[Amisha]

This message is beautiful. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I know every single thing you send is true - extremely hard but still true. I haven't looked at the links yet but I will just had to comment first.
Thanks again. It's comforting to know that there are people who understand what I am talking about. That I am not just weird.

[admin]

Thank you for your kind words. After I posted this, I was worried that I would be seen as 'too preachy' or not understanding. My hell was not yours or others hell. I am sure there are many who have it much worse than I ever had. However, I believe the steps to release from the hell is the same-just harder for some than others.

I pray you and others who read this, find the peace that God has for you.

[julian]

People always preach about being transparent. I couldn't ever be. I get tired and feel so weighed down with the crap that I carry inside me. I get tired of feeling like I still need to protect my abusers. I get tired of feeling guilty about all the things I'm responsible for doing. I feel like I want to just stand on the top of a hill and shout them out. I am so f'ing tired and overwhelmed. People say the past is past. It's not always that easy. Maybe you haven't done things like you did in the past, but sometimes the feelings and urges are still things you fight with. How then are you free? You aren't. You are still haunted. Ever listen to that song "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran ...how do you change from a world of surviving to a world of living?

That could be written by me.

I am today because of yesterday, that is only natural and to be expected. The colours of my past paint my future, that again is only natural and to be expected. The last 40'ish years of learning how to, makes carrying my past lighter than the fear of throwing it on the floor for all to see and dissecting it.

I have never heard 'Ordinary World' wendy, but will look it up now..thank you. The song that i hold as dear as the tear it induces is R.E.M's 'everybody hurts. I do! hold on..

[changingtobefree]

i really appreciated your stuff on forgiveness too wendy, thanks.
and i found that kind of freedom you're talking about. i found out that yes i've been victimized, but i'm not supposed to be a victim from now on. i'm supposed to grow in spite of this instead of die as a result of it. that's hard to hold onto all the time, but the layers of the onion are peeling away slowly. maybe someday i'll get to the core of it all, and maybe not. but the chance to work on these things has been an amazing gift to me.
recently i got to make a trip to an adolescent facility to share my experience strength and hope with some kids that have gotten in trouble as a result of their addictions. when i started sharing with them i felt compelled to get REALLy honest with them and did. without any details i was able to discuss the abuse, the eating disorders, the cutting, and the drugs. this was the first time i've ever really opened up to a group about any of this, but after i got done a young man approached me and asked some questions. his interest in trying to get past his own abuse made all the other's judgements (which was only my perception) worth while.
i don't know who said what after that meeting, but at this point it doesn't really matter. all that really stuck with me was the fact that this one kid heard something hopeful. that he could get past his demons too. that makes me feel good.
how's amisha doing lately?

[admin]

i don't know who said what after that meeting, but at this point it doesn't really matter.

That's good-it really does not matter what was said afterwards.

There are things in my past that people have tried to use against me. It may even appear that they have succeded in using them agaisnt me. But I could care less. If I am serving God with a pure heart, there is nothing anyone can do that will ULTIMATELY hurt me.

I am willing to go through my past being used against me if I can help someone else. Rather than be depressed about my past, I find opportunities to use my past as a means to help someone.

[Amisha]

Wayland - I'm doing ok at the moment trying to get through each day without doing something stupid, which isn't easy for me.
Julian - That was my mothers favourite song, she's been gone just over 6 years now and it still has me in floods of tears everytime I hear it.
Richard - clicked on your links, read every word some of it made sense some of it I need to look into a little more....The most important thing I think it did was it made me pick up and read my bible. I haven't done that in a long long while, sometimes i feel that God is so far away from me and I feel so alone.
It may be a question that none of you want to answer (as i realise it isn't really any of my business) but do you lot turn to God with your stuff? put your problems in his hands all that type of thing. I find it so hard, something in me is resistant. Maybe it's just lack of faith i don't know. - If you don't want to answer it's cool.