i fell down again

[changingtobefree]

i don't know where it came from, and i didn't think that after this long i'd have any issues with it again. i did tell one person, but i don't see myself telling anyone else. but i guess i feel obligated to let you guys know too. i've been kind of afraid this would happen, but like i said. i didn't think it really would.
i'm just scared that it might happen again. i might not be able to stop, then i'd be back to restricting and be caught up in this hell again...
god, i hope not.

[changingtobefree]

i don't want to go home. i don't want to face dinner. i've already started messing up today and now i'm just resenting food and i know this is a horrible place to be. i want the control still, i feel like i'm doing something powerful, but i know in my mind it's only destructive. i'm feeling a mixture of depression and anger and hurt and scared. i don't want this to take me over, but i do want it too again. i feel so confused.

[changingtobefree]

i know no body's been on here. but i guess i should probably journal if nothing else. it's been a rough week. ups and downs, starting over and over again. yesterday and today have been good so far but i feel so bad. it's not that i want to eat, because i don't, but i hate going home after work. i know there's food there, and if i touch any, i do too much and then it happens, and i'm starting over again or continuing on all night or depressed or just hating myself.
i'm not going to go through that tonight. i'll be better than that.
plus i've got a softball game i have to go play in later, it just wouldn't be good to do.

[violet818]

I am listening.

[changingtobefree]

thank you violet.
things have been up and down with the food stuff. it's hard to tell where i really stand with it all. i've been running around and on vacation and trying to get my battle of the bands ready and seeing my kids and their mom and trying to fix the stuff i messed up with my "kind of" ma...
i just need a break i think. but i don't think it's happening soon.
but thank you for listening. that certainly helps.

[Amisha]

Oh babe. I'm sorry I haven't been on recently. Struggling at the moment to. I think when things get on top and I start feeling like I am loosing control with everything else in my life it's harder to want to continue to try.
How are things going with the band, kids, mum etc.

[changingtobefree]

it is harder to try. seems like when i need to feel in control is when it's the hardest to not act out with the food stuff. whether it's restricting or purging. i haven't acted out on either of those lately... but i've gained so SO SO much since i've been clean this time... i don't even know how i'm supposed to take this really. i don't mean to be obsessive, but i can't help but think about it constantly. i went to the dr the other day and he said i might be diabetic too. so i'm thinking none of this is good... at all.
i'm sure that i'll be ok, it just feels all out of hand right now...

[Amisha]

Diabeties! no good. I hope it is not the case- keep me posted. Gaining is hard I know but keep telling yourself you are gaining health. I think the thinking about it all the time is normal, at least it is for me. Every few months I throw away my scales, tape measures etc. Admittedly I will buy them back again but each time it takes a little longer and I can only assume that's progress. WELL DONE for doing so well lately. Please keep it up. What we have to deal with everyday is huge. Don't take away from the stuff you are doing right. I am really proud. I just wanted to take this moment to tell you how much you (and wendy & Julian) have helped me. I am sure I would not have made it this far without your caring. Love you guys.
Hope you all (and everyone else out there) have a great christmas and that 2010 is a good year for us all.

Love and kisses. x

[changingtobefree]

yeah, i'm not looking forward to finding out what's up with the diabetes...
and the food stuff has been all over the place still. i haven't really acted out TOTALLY in any one way, but it's all been me playing mind games with myself to justify restricting or something like that. seems like i've been kind of feeding into the ED stuff, but not totally jumping in. i'm not sure if that's good or just manipulative of me! know what i mean? i just don't like how i look. i feel old. i feel immature for feeling any of this stuff. i feel like a bad example because i told one of my friends in recovery about the ED stuff and now he's wanting me to tell him how to loose weight... that just kind of makes me feel sick and a little withdrawn. the guy doesn't know what he's asking for and he doesn't realize what that does to me, but still. that's pretty messed up.
it's going to be a good year though. this stuff is just a small part of the bigger picture.
being clean, having my kids in my life, moving forward in my life... that's what really counts!

hey violet, hope you're doing well.
thanks for listening when i needed to talk, that means a lot!


happy newyear everyone

[changingtobefree]

bad spot again.
been obsessed over everything going on, stomach hurts, don't want to try to stop, but so sick of keeping it all going.
sometimes it all just sucks.
seems like i fight with everyone and fall on my face. as if i deserve to even, it sure feels like i do.
not trying to give up, but it's just so hard to be happpy happy, bullcrap happy.
i try so hard to be positive and good and helpful, but i'm so very destructive... i mess so much up. even when i'm trying to do good.
sorry, just needed to vent, such a bad weekend.

[Amisha]

Sometimes it's much harder to keep that smiley face glued on than at other times - I can relate to that. Today at work I had to listen to people complain about having to answer the phone within 4 rings (part of the job) whilst I sat there with thinking about the e-mail i got last night telling me a long time friend (Met her when I was getting treated for my ED when I was young) is dying. Feel bad I cut all those people off when I decided to try for recovery. They weren't ready to take those steps and I couldn't do with them around. But what if I had stayed in touch, what if I was the 'positive' influence she needed? I know it sounds really really stupid but sometimes I forget (or don't want to remember) how dangerous what we do really is. Maybe it's just that I don't really care. I'm to chicken to kill myself but I do sometimes think if I did die at least the pain would stop. Reading your post really makes me realise how much alike we think sometimes I feel that I am always messing up to everything I touch is somehow tainted.

Sorry maybe I needed to vent too

[changingtobefree]

sure sorry to hear about your friend. i hope she can find recovery.
it's not your fault at all though. we can always go back and wonder if and wish we could have, but we are here. i personally don't have enough power to "save" anyone... hell, i have enough of a time keeping myself straight. much less can i fix someone else...
i always try to though, seems like it would be easier to work on them than to focus on what i need to or fix myself.
i am sorry for her for sure, but please don't try to take it on yourself.
glad you vented some.
i think i'm going to try to find another therapist around here that i can see in the evenings. that way i don't miss work and can still get to appointments. i haven't gotten much from my therapist in a couple of years now, so maybe i should move on.
still don't seem to be doing so well.
i should change something.