crying

[Amisha]

Don't know it's just that my hormones are messed up or if it's just cos things aren't great at the moment but I find myself crying all the time recently. I am not normally a person who crys a lot (what's the point it doesn't change anything) Felt that I should tell someone and you guys are the only people I trust not to take the P or tell me I am being stupid.

[changingtobefree]

you aren't being stupid! not at all. feelings are just what they are. no one can tell you your feelings are valid or invalid, but we can be here for you and try to give you the support you need. i'm still on meds myself for depression. been thinking about getting off of them, but i don't think right now is the time for that. is there anything specific going on that's getting you down? for me just venting about the stuff seems to help. then at other times, i just wish it would. but knowing someone out there cares always helps, so know that we're here if/when you need us. if i don't answer quick enough you can send me a PM anytime and it'll email me and let me know to come check out the site. heard from julian at all? i sure haven't...

[Amisha]

hey babe. Feel like I am on a constant roller coaster and just want a break. Work has been really hard. I find myself getting really angry about the smallest things, yet I am in a relationship and that is going great, I've NEVER been treated so nice - which in itself is a problem cos it makes me wonder whats going to go wrong and I worry all the time about how much it's going to hurt when he realise what I really am like and wants out. - I know not the most positive outlook but I can't help it it's how my brain works always looking for the bad, always on guard. I am so messed up not sure how to make it right anymore. I feel like I have done all this work on myself and ain't even touched the surface. I've been drinking more over the last couple months. Which I'm not supposed to on my brain meds. My tumour seems stable but all the side effects of the drugs are really getting me down. and of course it's very nearly christmas which is a horrible time of year.....other than all that I'm fine.
How's you babe - don't you just love what they have done with the site?
I PM'd Julian to check he's ok. will let you know if I hear anything.
Love and kisses

[changingtobefree]

i don't remember you telling me about a tumor! that's not good at all. that has to be scary all on it's own, much less all the other stressors... and i know how it is waiting for the other shoe to drop. things are great in a relationship, but just being used to something going wrong.. i find it so hard to let something good, just be good! ha ha. it's not always easy to be ok being ok. but i found at times that it sure is releaving to not keep looking for the approaching storm when the sky is clear i'm glad this guy is treating you good. you certainly deserve it. try not to look too much into it and let things be what they are.
i sent julian a pm too, but haven't heard back from him. hopefully he's just away from the boards doing well. seems like when people get well for a while they lean on the boards less. i know i do sometimes.
i've been well for the most part. i'm almost done with my divorce finally! it's just been hard. since i've been clean and get to talk to the kids more i've been sending my money to them and not paying for the divorce. their mom and i have been getting along fairly well, but i'm kind of afraid to be in a relationship with her. but i'm kind of afriad to not be in a relationship. so this feels safe to me because she's 300 miles away in a different state. so now i'm not looking for a girlfriend and i'm getting to talk to the kids and all. i'm just not feeling right about this relationship.
the best part is that i've almost got 8 months clean from any drugs! that's the only chance i've got. the minute i start using i seem to loose most all control of everything around me and it all just falls apart... fast.
this time of year is hard. hell, this time last year i was SO far down the hole it was sick... i was suicidal, had a needle in my arm all the time, hadn't spoken to the kids in a year and a half, didn't like my marriage, my wife didn't either (obviously) because she'd been cheating... it was just so rough. so it's kind of strange because i'm so grateful for where i am, but it seems so scary because i've always felt down around this time of year and i'm just trying to be very careful to not fall off! but for now, as in today i'm pretty sure i'll be ok if i just keep on doing what i need to and being as honest as i can...
so good to hear from you!
and yeah, the new boards are AWESOME!!!
i like the new topics too!

[Amisha]

Oops thought I had mentioned it. It's not Cancerous, so please don't worry. It is at the base of my brain and affects my hormones. It's under control and I don't need to have an OP or anything it's managed by meds. The side effects are a bit much sometimes and it makes me have mood swings but there are much worse conditions out there I moan too much.
Glad the divorce is getting sorted (Am I allowed to say that? I don't mean it in a bad way) and I am really really happy that you are getting to have a relationship with your kids.
8 months drug free!!!!!! I am so proud of you babes.
Julian pm'd me back he's ok.

Love and kisses.

[changingtobefree]

thank goodness. sorry it's got you in a bad spot though... i know it can't help if it messes up your hormones! and you certainly aren't moaning too much! that's what we do here is talk about our feelings or what's going on!
and yeah, i'm glad the divorce is finally moving along too. even happier that i've been talking to the kids again it really helps me to feel like something is moving in the right direction.
and yeah, i heard from julian too, i'm sure glad he's doing ok!
hope your holiday season went ok and you're off to a fresh start this year!
take care,

[Icare]

That's funny you say that you don't post here when you are doing ok....I'm the opposite. I feel like I need to be quiet if I'm not doing well. Need I say more???
I'm glad you guys are all still here. If you talk to Julian, tell him I said "hi"

[changingtobefree]

I'll do that!
I know what you mean... i think i post the most when i'm kind of in between. headed down or climbing back up.
last night was kind of an amazing experience for me. i got to speak at an adolescent detention type facility. it felt kind of strange at first, wondering what they were all thinking, but i opened up a little about some abuse stuff, about the eating disorder, about the drug use, about cutting... and a lot of them related to it. i was kind of worried how they were going to recieve it, but it ended up going really well.
been feeling kind of down lately. not sure what it is, but it seems like everyone around me is depressed. i'm trying not to feel down, but it seems like every time i turn to someone to stay afloat they feel worse than i do. so then i'm trying to perk them up instead. which, maybe that's what i need.

[julian]

I'm here amesha.

My apologies if i didn't return your pm. I can't remember if i did or not and my set-up on the control panel is a right mess (matching my head) and i've had to re-set my password, so if i didn't reply it's not because i've not thought of you, wayland and wendy (i think i owe wayland a reply and apology for not doing so also).

I tend to withdraw deeper into the shadows when times are bad for me, i want to be a light in the life of others and not to add my own darkness to theirs. Having said that, i'm going through a particularly bad time these past months, so i really shouldn't be here, perhaps the silence of the lie when smiling and saying ''yes i'm ok'' when asked needs a voice...sometimes.

You are never crying alone my friend...i share your tears.

[changingtobefree]

sorry you're having a hard time julian.
hang in there man, and don't worry about the pm's i just like to know you're ok... or not ok.
it's just easy to worry about people when we don't hear from them.
anything you would like too or need too talk about please let me know. on here or via pm. and don't worry about shedding darkness in my life, think about the idea that you're robbing me of the chance to shed some light in yours. that's what we're supposed to do here!
good to hear from you.
take care,

[julian]

Good evening wayland sir.

Thank you for your understanding. It is very generous of you to forgive and understand, two emotions i find it hard to apply to myself but easy to give others (i'm sure that you could say the same).

I am at a crossroads in my life, one that is forced upon me by the credit crunch. The security of all i have ever worked for/toward is in jeopardy and i'm scared. Many times these life changing situations, when looked back on in hindsight are the best things that could ever have happened to us but all i can feel at the moment is fear.

These past three days (nights..i work all day) i've started drinking again to help, and it does help, at least for the time i am under the influence i fear less and think more. It at least takes away the pure panic and gives me the confidence to think beyond the here and now (but obviously, i know it is not the answer and inevitably makes matters worse).

I have a lot of catching up to do on your and others posts on the forum, so will have more to offer to yourself when i do but for now i wish and hope you all that you need and deserve.

I would like to thank you very much from my heart for saying what you have about the light and darkness i refereed to in my previous post. Very profound of you my friend and a beautiful sentiment and thought.

Best regards and wishes wayland.

..through the darknesss...

,,julian

[julian]

That's funny you say that you don't post here when you are doing ok....I'm the opposite. I feel like I need to be quiet if I'm not doing well. Need I say more???
I'm glad you guys are all still here. If you talk to Julian, tell him I said "hi"

..and a 'hi' back to you wendy. It is a needed constant to know that we are (all) here for eachother when and if we need one another. I have the privilege of knowing a few in my life that 'care' and for that i am eternally grateful but those that care and! understand are few and far far between. It is a god send to know that at least here, those that know, care and understand...

..bless your loving heart...

..julian

[Amisha]

Julian! Missed you, glad your back (although obviously sorry to hear you are having such a hard time) Wayland is right we are all hear for the support -giving and receiving you must not ever think that you are in someway taking something from us. You are all my friends and I care a lot about each of you. I want you all to get better, be healthly and happy but in the dark times I hope I can be there for you as you are there for me whenever I need you. Ahh it's like a bit of a reunion. Love you lot.

[julian]

Thank You for your loving support amesha my friend. A reunion sounds nice to me. Your love, trust and support is returned to you...

..group hug

[changingtobefree]

i hope things are a bit easier this week financially if nothing else. these last few months seem to have done a lot of financial damage to most everyone i know... it's been a bad year or two. i do hope things are at least looking up in one way or another for you! i've been a bit down myself lately. seems like everything is a bit mixed up. but getting a divorce is that way i suppose. so is being clean.