i hurt

[changingtobefree]

took me a couple of trips to find the board again with the new webpage... for whatever reason, ha ha.
i'm so down right now. there's so much going on and i'm so SICK of feeling all of it...
been clean nearly 9 months and don't really want to use. i know it won't work. if i KNEW it would kill me the first shot, then i'd do a big one and say to hell with it. but i always woke up in the hospital or the car or the chair and everything i knew was a little worse than it was before.
kecia (the kids mom) is now pregnant, it's supposed to be mine. she swears it is, but i don't know. jenny's supposedly clean now, we went to a meeting and ended up making out and sleeping together. they've both used me for years. i'm too weak to say no, i'm too weak to say leave me alone or "i need to stay clean and work on myself"
everyone around me knows i'm messing up. i've slipped with the e.d. again. i need to cry but won't let myself. i feel sick with depression right now. i hate being awake...
soooo.
i'm clean, i haven't acted out on any e.d. stuff today, i have a network of people to talk to, i don't have to get high to not get dopesick today, i have a job, i'm alive for my kids today, and if it's mine may even have another baby boy in may or june.

[admin]

Changing To Be Free
As you keep that in your mind, remember that 'this too will pass away', focus on and seek the One who can keep you clean, work the program that works for you, you can make it. Remember, you never know when the deliverance is just around the corner.

[Amisha]

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time babes, I don't really know what to say but just wanted you to know that I am here and listening. Take time to keep reminding yourself of those good things. I am proud that you are clean, thinking of your children and resisting the ed. I kow it's hard. Congratulations on the new addtion-to-be.

Amisha x

[changingtobefree]

thanks guys.

[changingtobefree]

i'm loosing it.
kecia lost the baby. 6 months along. just gave him a name and told dad he was coming and was trying to figure out insurance and child support, where we were gonna move them to since they're house is falling apart.
she lost him at home by herself saturday night, sunday morning.
she's 300 miles away. she didn't want me down there yet, just wanted to rest. was trying to figure out if i had funeral leave to go help her bury him. she buried him by herself last night on her property and wants me to make a grave marker.
i was supposed to be there for my childs funeral.
at first i didn't think he was mine, couldn't see how. after talking to her and getting the facts, she got pregnant with her IUD and it was a fragile pregnancy to begin with.
i don't want to use, but i've never felt this tired and useless and guilty and hurt and lonely and shameful and sick.
can't eat, can't sleep, feel like i need to lay down in a dark place from now on. never wake up or get up or roll over. just lay.
she said he looks just like skyland did when he was born.
not looking for advice here. not looking for a solution. i just wish i didn't feel anymore.

[Amisha]

I wouldn't dare try to give adv as I haven't been through what you are going through. But I just wanted to send my condolenses. I am so so sorry for you loss sweetie. You and Kecia will be in my prayers.

[julian]

Oh my friend. My heart, love, strength and fortitude to carry-on as you have been, is being sent your way.

There are no words that can be offered to help and i find myself truly lost for any words what so ever. I (as amesha) am here for you and will try to channel all we can from afar into your days and nights. This is going to be your hardest and lowest ebb, keep strong and keep clean my friend.

There is a lot of death in my life too recently, the women i either have loved (past girlfriends) or still do love (my mother) seem to be either have died or about to. I keep telling myself that it is all a part of the balance of life, that as one loved life is lost, another 'certain to be loved' life is born. That the love i felt for a lost one is never truly lost or waisted because it secures a future of love for another fresh life awaiting.

It is such a tragedy to your loving and deserving heart that you never got to even hold your son but i believe that your love will not have been invain. I also believe that his life (no matter how short) will have it's loving echo's through the life of those that loved him, the responsibility you were willing to take on, hold on to that strength of forward thinking beyond the next day or hour. kecia will also need your strength and help, i wish you enough to go around and extra for yourself.

The eternal balance will always eventually level out. I guess only time will tell how the weight of today will lighten the load of tomorrow. Every muscle, sinew, pore and electrical impulse of my body is wishing that balance to your todays and your tomorrows.

Love and friendship...

..julian

[changingtobefree]

sorry to hear you're dealing with so much loss julian.
thanks for your thoughts.
thank you too amisha.

[julian]

Thank you my friend.

I only mentioned it (which, on reflection perhaps i should not have done) as a way to explain how i deal with my things, in the hope that it may be of some small help for you. There of course is no comparison between our situations, at least i've had the chance to spend time with those i am loosing (infact, i 'technically' lost my ex's a long time ago).

You just take good care of yourself, try to stay clean and strong and don't beat yourself up too much. Staying clean is not the be all and end all, it's knowing how to wash off the emotional dirt after, that that accolade goes to (in my humble opinion).

The very best of regards

[changingtobefree]

i'm glad you said something. loss hurts.
i'm just trying to be ok with being THIS uncomfortable. i haven't used, and for now don't plan too, but have just been so very very sick of feeling. pretty much all over the place with e.d. stuff. no food for a couple of days, lot's of food for a few, loosing all my food for a few. wish it wasn't just perceived control that i gained through it. knowing better just makes it worse. all of it.
just like knowing most all of this was my fault. just one of those days when feeling anything is feeling too much.
how is your mom?

[julian]

i'm glad you said something. loss hurts.
i'm just trying to be ok with being THIS uncomfortable.

In my experience, it's a point of reconditioning the mind to 'feeling' again, to accept the emotions that are a 'cause and effect' of life. It's no easy task and just saying it sounds silly but it's like an injury trauma victim learning to walk again, it's possible and with each small step, running becomes an ever closer reachable goal (been there/got the teashirt..lol)

i haven't used, and for now don't plan too, but have just been so very very sick of feeling. pretty much all over the place with e.d. stuff. no food for a couple of days, lot's of food for a few, loosing all my food for a few. wish it wasn't just perceived control that i gained through it. knowing better just makes it worse. all of it.

I so feel for you. You have all the jigsaw pieces though my friend (which many that never find a way back don't) so i'm certain that you will eventually fit them together in a way that portrays the true you.

just like knowing most all of this was my fault. just one of those days when feeling anything is feeling too much.

That is a self fulfilling prophecy of stagnation (i know because i still suffer the same), that apportioning fault leads to guilt and guilt leads to finding justification and the only justification is our own fault. You/we need to cleanse yourself of the never ending chain by pulling the plug, letting all the dirty water out in one go and start afresh. Yesterday has gone, you can only change the future.

how is your mom?

Thank You for asking. She is not good but better than expected. They gave her less than a year to live two years ago and then miraculously found (stumbled upon) that her blood iron level was so dangerously low that her aged internal organs where shutting down one by one. now they have addressed that problem she has stabilised somewhat but she's old and suffered for many years from slow deterioration, it's just a matter of time but at least the morphine helps her to be in less pain (poor darling)

Take care of yourself my friend. Keep looking forward.

Love and friendship...

..julian

[changingtobefree]

thanks man, and i imagine you're right on all of that.
things have kind of balanced out a bit lately... in an unbalanced kind of busy way
between work being swamped (for the first time in years! it's kind of nice)
and the band taking off and playing out quite a bit, and trying to keep a workout routine, and celebrating my year clean on may 7th and hitting 3 to 5 meetings a week and trying to do step work at least 3 times a week...
doesn't leave a lot of idle time, but i'm glad.
seems like if i sit still for a few minutes i still feel a bit down if i acknowledge how i really feel. but for the most part i'm really just grateful for where i'm at and have made it too so far.
hope all is ok with you and amisha both.
anyone heard from wendy in a while?

and i am sorry to hear about your mom. cherish your time together. sure been missing my mom. we never had the best relationship, but she was still the best mom i could have had... and did more than she was able to for me in every way she could.

take care guys,
i'll try to stay in touch better.

[julian]

Hello my friend.

It is good to hear from you and especially good to hear that life is keeping you busy. I am somewhat of a work-o-holic for exactly the same reason, it stops me dwelling to long and too deeply on things. Good luck with all you do sir, it's great that your music has taken off, i'd imagine that that opens whole avenues of extra experiences to feed a hungry heart.

I've not seen or heard of/from wendy for quite a while but then we have all been rather quiet of late. My hopes and prayers go with her and amisha, i hope that life is keeping them both busy and happy as well.

Take care of yourself and i hope to speak again soon (as and when you can)

Your friend...

..julian

[Amisha]

Hey guys. Just a quick visit to check in on you both. I've been mad busy as well - it must be catching. I'm doing ok at the moment and trying to just be grateful for each day I get through.
Love you both

Chat soon
Amisha

[julian]

There! she is..

Hello my friend. It is a welcome surprise to hear from you. Thank you for popping in and putting my mind at rest, i am glad (very much so) to hear that you are doing ok.

Keep up the good work. You know where and how to find us if you need anything.

Love, strength, best wishes and respect...

..julian