my relationship

[Amisha]

I have been seeing this man for about a year and a half now. There are lots of things wrong with this relationship - he's my boss at work, he's 20 years older than me (with an estranged daughter my age) and technically he is still married. They split 4 years ago, are seperated and don't live in the same house or anything but they haven't started divorce stuff. I suppose writing it down helps I can see that it doesn't matter now what I write I shouldn't have got involved in the first place and it's my own stupid fault but here goes nothing.
I really like him he treats me good (which is a change) and my kids really like him. However whilst he has never done anything bad I just get the impression that his heart isn't really in it. It feel like he comes to see me only because I ask him to. Don't get me wrong if I ask him he will come see me, if I ask him to he will take me out, if I ask him to he will kiss me etc etc but i haven't ever really believed that he wants to do any of that stuff on his own. I tried to fool myself into thinking that it was just some 'man thing' but I know it's not that. I spoke to him at the weekend about us (he normally avoids such topics) I ask him about when we first got together. He basically said we spent time together cos he wanted to be my friend he wasn't looking for anything then we spent the night together and he isn't the type to have a fling, when asked why we were still together now he said he couldn't tell me. So the thing is I know he is only with me cos he thinks it's the right thing to do and I want to be with him, so do I just stay, even though I know I am not what he wants. or do I end this cos it is all one sided. I know what the right thing to do is but I feel so alone most of the time I don't want it to be any worse. More importantly what is wrong with me? Why can't I find anyone family, friends, lovers, etc that like me for who I really am why am I so repulsive to everyone? How do I change who I am to something more acceptable. I have been trying to give up cigarettes over the last week i am managing it without eating anymore than needed. i have been feeling really angry and I am blaming it on the cigarettes but I know it's not the cigarettes, just like me crying all the time isn't just down to the tumour. I am broken and I don't know how to fix myself. I have tried really really hard to be a better person, to work really hard, to be someone people could like. I have tried hard to be kind and forgiving, i give so much and get nothing. I have no one. I have nothing. I am so sad all the time, I wish I could just stop, stop thinking, stop feeling, i wish I could be someone else or do something else, something to stop me from being so damn pathetic. I don't even know if I actually care if I stay with this guy, i just want someone. Anyone who genuinely cares whether i live or die. I need support but am too scared to ask for it. I have been 'going to make an appointment with my GP' for months and months now. I don't want to be my mother.

[admin]

Amisha:
I know you are in England so we can't talk on the phone. Wish we could. I replied to one of your other messages. Reading what you wrote here, I really think you should order the 'God Can Help You Heal, Let Go-Let God, ebook on our site. You can download it for free (of course we always accept donations.)
Go to www.fairhavenhouse.info/store. There is a link to the book in the right column.

Keep on fighting to get healthy. You have been doing it for some time.

I want to encourage you to wait for the best. It can happen. A man who is doing what this man is doing would most likely do the same to you. The reality is he is still married even if they are seperated.

[Amisha]

I am grateful for your replies both to this post and my other one. You are right of course regarding this guy, there is no reason to believe it would be any different with me. I Don't know if I can quite believe that I will ever get anything better than 'someone elses leftovers' but regardless of that when you get down to it what I am doing is wrong. I don't know why I can't make the right decisions in my life. it feels like everything I do is wrong though I honestly don't do anything with the intention of hurting anyone or doing anything but trying my very best - It's just that my best is so very poor. I will have a look at that book - thanks for suggesting it and thanks for caring it means so so much to me.
Am x

[admin]

Here is what happens to many who struggle with addictions or serious bad habits/behavior, etc. It may not apply in your situation but I think what I share will be of help to someone reading this.

The reason some are not able to break the cycle and see more victories in their life is because they quit doing what is right just before their breakthrough. It as if they are pounding and pounding against a brick wall (doing the right things) and the wall is almost paper thin (they are almost on the other side-the side of victory). But they get tired of pounding, the sledge hammer is just too heavy for them. Many times the reason it is so heavy is that they are not truly allowing God to give them the strength to carry the sledge hammer or at times, letting Him carry the hammer.

Anyways, right before their breakthrough they give up. Because they gave up (even though the brick wall had become paper thin) too soon, they did not have success but failure all over again. So, the next time they encounter the situation they do not believe they will overcome because they do not have a good 'track record'. But they are determined to win so they pound away again, but once again, give up just before the breakthrough.

Usually those around them can see them at the edge of a breakthrough and will encourage to keep hammering away, but the person gives up even when they get encouragement because in their mind it just isn't going to work no matter what they do.

So I am saying many times the battle is in the mind, wrong mindsets.

In order to get to 'the other side', to get to victory, to become an overcomer is to have some small successes to bring hope. In other words fight smaller battles where you can get some wins behind you.

The biblical basis for this concept is found in:
Romans 5:3-5 (NASB)
And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; [4] and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; [5] and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

How does hope come? By going through trials/tribulations/challenges, persevering/being patient, and developing character.
Knowing that God loves us, we are willing to go through trials, persevere through them, let them build character in us, and get to 'the other side'. Now because we have developed character we are more willing to go through the next trial confident (hopeful) that God will help us again.

Hope this helps. I will be putting some of my messages on this subject in my online store. Anyone reading this will be able to download them.

[changingtobefree]

so true richard. my weakest times really are when i'm trying to carry the hammer myself.
the eating disorder is so much about control and about forcing this to work for me and making this into something positive and believing it's a secret... all these sick determinations.
and this familiar pain is comforting because it's all i've allowed myself to know for most all of my life.
and now it's time that i've gotta learn to turn this stuff over and let god take it from me. i've been working on my 6th step in my 12 step fellowship and now i see how much i'm trying to control this myself rather than just letting go and letting my higher power take it from me. i'm now depending on faith and trust which springs from hope...
i'm just so tired..
thanks for your post. i did get alot out of that.