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Mary Fleming Callaghan

Answers Your Questions

Mary Fleming Callaghan Answers Your Questions
Author of Wrinkles on the Heart

Attitude
Question
Hi, I'm seventeen and have struggled with anorexia for almost three and a half years. I hated how fat I was, or FELT I was, as my parents say. Those feelings began when I was 8, but the ED didn't appear until after we moved when I was 12. I've been hospitalized too many times to count and had tubes   -   the whole works. Anyway, after the hospital refused to see me anymore, I dropped to 80 lbs.on my 5' 7" frame and attempted suicide.
 
Now I'm back to 125 lbs. and my doctor is pretty much done seeing me, even though he wants me to gain a few more pounds which will be very hard for me. I'm still obsessed with food and it seems to dominate large parts of my life. I'm also very conscious of how I look and am overly critical of my body, or so I'm told.
 
Now for the questions. Do recovering people always feel this way? Like I still feel attached to eating disorders and think about them all the time, even wishing I were still in the hospital. Often I'm jealous of thin girls, and know they're probably anorexic. I think about going there again, but am confused and miserable. Is this normal or am I just weird?
Jane

Answer
Dear Jane,
 
Yes, you are in recovery and that's never easy, but it's doable if you attack it with the right attitude.
 
I don't know if you're old enough to appreciate what I'm going to say here, but let"s give it a whirl anyway. Eating Disorders (EDs) really have very little to do with eating or food. Those are just red herrings, distractions to direct attention AWAY FROM where the real problems lie. An ED is simply a cry for help when the afflicted person is unable to say "Please help me."
 
Often that person is very young, like you, and doesn't even KNOW what her problems are. She just feels that her life is out of kilter somehow; she doesn't fit in and wants to very badly. Parents are also confused. They want to help their daughters, whom they love dearly and who are so mixed up, but they don't know how.
 
My husband and I were two of those people. It took us over three years of trial and error before we finally realized that Kathleen was much smarter than we gave her credit for being. Ultimately we told her that her life was HER RESPONSIBILITY and that we were going to let her find her own way without any intervention on our part. She KNEW what she had to do, but never had to do it because we were always there to save her from herself. Once she understood this, she began to pick up the threads of her life and move forward
 
At the outset, she was too young to understand what was really at the bottom of all her problems and we, her parents with the experience to help, didn't have a clue as to what she needed. It took us years to finally find the key and I'd like to share that with you, Jane. In my opinion, the bottom line, the final goal in recovery should be:
 
.   .   .  the realization that there is more to who you are than the way you look on the outside. You have feelings, talents, emotions, thoughts etc. that no one would ever know about if they judged you solely by the way you look.
.   .   .  the realization that you're a valuable and deserving person with assets and flaws, just like everyone else.
.   .   .  that it makes no difference how much you weigh, whether you're as dumb as a box of rocks or as homely as a hedge fence,  if you love yourself and accept yourself just the way you are.
 
Most people, Jane, spend an entire lifetime trying to achieve that goal -   learning to love themselves. When they finally accomplish it though, they don't inflict pain and suffering on themselves, like you've been doing over the last few years. If you accept this philosophy as your goal when you're young, you'll be able to weather most of life's storms.
 
So to answer your question, is this what recovery is all about, do recovering people always feel so self-critical and unhappy? The answer to that is "probably", and especially if their focus is on the WRONG goal. Change the very core of your thinking and you'll change your attitude toward putting this destructive behavior behind you permanently.
 
Good luck and God bless.
Mary Callaghan

 

Nature or Nurture?
Question
I want to know if eating disorders are learned, inherited or stem from emotional problems. As long as I can remember, there have been addictions in my family, alcohol, drugs and even compulsive overeating because I had a problem with that. As a teenager, I used food for comfort and as a way to keep boys at bay. I figured if I was fat, they'd not ask me out and I could avoid the whole sex/peer pressure thing. There were other factors as well, but in general, the obsession helped me control my environment. Now I think my seven year old son may also suffer from the same compulsive overeating disorder.

I've never made an issue of his cleaning his plate, but both grandparents stressed it unduly. They grew up during the Depression giving them the skewed perception that a chunky baby is a healthy baby. They have since passed on, but my son's aberrant eating habits persist. He is now a chunky 75 pounds and I fear for him. I've repeatedly told him that he does not have to clean his plate. If we are in a restaurant, however, he stuffs himself rather than leave anything on the plate. We end up having to take him to the bathroom to vomit. We've tried taking his plate away despite his whining, but I see the situation as being totally out of our control now. Are there clinics to treat young children with eating disorders? If so, where? HELP, please.
Barbara

Answer
Dear Barbara,

Yes, I firmly believe that there is a genetic element in ed's and I've ALWAYS felt that way. I correlate it to drug addiction or alcoholism, but a psychiatrist disagreed with me on that. She agreed in one sense, but disagreed in another. That, however, was 20 years ago. The psychiatric community now accepts the fact that genetics very definitely plays a role in eating disorders. However, that is not to say that environment, society, culture etc. doesn't  play a part as well. It's very, very complex because the human psyche is very complex.

Age continues its downward spiral in kids falling prey to these horrendous disorders. But almost always, at least in my opinion, an eating disorder is a red herring, obscuring a deeper, psychological problem. Weight, food etc. are not the issues, although we are prone to focus on them. The problem is that the child feels his life is out of his control so he turns to the only thing within his control: what he puts or doesn't put in his mouth. In the end, an eating disorder boils down to A CRY FOR HELP. I know you want to answer that cry.

You have made an important first step in helping your son simply by writing me. Yes, there are numerous clinics and counselors treating eating disorders. Eating Disorders Online has a list of contacts from ANAD. Your local university's counseling department should have some referrals for eating disorder help. The American Medical Association's web site has a find a doctor section. Your nearby hospital might know some qualified professionals. These are only leads because it is very important that your son relates well to the therapist. The Something Fishy web site has scads of information on eating disorders, including names of treatment centers listed by state. My very best wishes to you and good luck with finding immediate help for your son.

Sincerely,
Mary Callaghan
P.S. The Center -A Place of Hope provides Eating Disorder Treatment

Swimming Team in High School
Question
Hello. I know what people mean when they say about coaches stressing weight and things like that. I am a very athletic swimmer. My swim coach has us weigh in every Monday. It means everyone on the team lines up and weighs themselves. I don't like this because when the scale says I gained weight it makes me want not to eat for a few days, and it makes me feel fat. My friends say I am far from fat, but I don't know. It is just that when I weigh in and see that I have gained five pounds over spring break it makes me not want to eat for a few days so I can loose the weight. I had a slight eating disorder before. I wouldn't eat a few meals and then I would eat a ton. I don't know if that is considered an eating disorder or not, but I read in a magazine that it was the sign of a slight eating disorder. I quit that when my best friend changed lunches. She would sit and eat lunch with me. I am only 14 years old and I don't want to mess up my body, but the weighing in thing messes with my mind. Thank you for listening.
Irene

Answer
What I'm going to tell you may be difficult to accept, but I think you need to  consider it. You should drop out of swimming, at least for now. Maybe you could take up another sport you enjoy where weight is not an issue, just trying hard and doing your best is stressed. Your swimming coach should know better than to make all of you weigh yourselves in front of everyone else, or even privately. Eating disorders are well-known today and coaches are usually aware of the danger in putting too much emphasis on weight.

Have you told your parents how you feel and how you respond when you learn you've gained a few pounds? Don't you think you should? They might be able to help. If not, you might need some counseling to help you deal with this problem. But tell someone, anyone; if not your parents (although I think you should) then a teacher you feel close to or a school counselor or a priest or a minister. Doing nothing only helps the problem GROW. My daughter, Kathleen, almost died from her eating disorder. She was 15 at the time, 5' 8" tall and got down to 69 pounds. Eating disorders are very dangerous things because they take on a life of their own and you can't control them. It's like a monster growing inside you and IT CONTROLS YOU!

Hang in there. Keep in touch. I'd like to know how you're getting along.

With concern,
Mary Callaghan

 

The Injustice of It All
Question
My mother is a fifty year old sufferer of anorexia nervosa. She's been in treatment centers for depression and addiction to prescription drugs, which she is still struggling with. My father has divorced her because of her stubbornness about getting well and my brother doesn't come around much anymore. So who do you think that leaves? Me!!!!!!

My father talked to Peggy Claude-Pierre in Canada and she said that my mom was so deep into the disorder that there really is no hope. I am e-mailing you and anybody I can find, not so much for my mom, but for me. I am 21 years old and have been taking care of her since I was 16. I can't do it much longer unless I get some kind of support. Please help me.
Patti

Answer
Dear Patti,

Thank you for visiting my site and leaving your very sad and touching question. I hope this answer will help you come to grips with the heavy burdens you carry. I wish I could wiggle my nose, like Samantha on the old Bewitched series, and zap myself through time and space to give you a big hug of encouragement. My first thought after reading your letter was "But that is so unfair. She was only 16 when she was forced into this position."

Patti, it looks as if you are the strong one in your family. You're going to have to stand up on your hind legs and say "Enough already. I WON'T take any more of this abuse." And it is a form of abuse, in my opinion, when everyone in your family allows you to assume all the responsibility. You are not responsible for your mother's life. Repeat that to yourself until you believe it down to your very bones.

I'm afraid I agree with Peggy Claude-Pierre when she says there is no hope for your mother. You didn't say how long she's been afflicted with anorexia, but I assume it's been a long time. I'm afraid she has become chronic and usually nothing can be done for the patient when this occurs.

You need to contact your closest mental health clinic for guidance and options open to you in your area. Let them know that you can't take much more of this. Do this immediately, Patti.

You deserve to have your own life. It's very sad that your mother can't or won't see that this is grossly unfair to you. At age 21 your life is really just beginning. Let this decision to get help be the first step in your new life. Keep in touch. I want to know how you're getting along. You might also want to visit the Caringonline Discussion Board and share your story.

With great concern,
Mary Callaghan

 

Mary Callaghan
Author of Wrinkles on the Heart
A  Mother's Journal of One Family's
Struggle with Anorexia Nervosa
www.abrosia.com