How do parents cope with an eating disorder in the house?
I guess we all have different ways of coping. It's easier at first to put the food fads and mood swings down to adolescence
and that is something they will grow out of. I remember the early days before we knew
eating disorders existed, we were so sure it was adolescence that caused the tremendous
mood swings, all teenagers go through that don't they? Our son didn't but perhaps it's
different with boys. The sudden refusal to eat meat, then sweet things, bread, pastry
products and dairy products, " but all my friends are doing the same "just
seemed so strange for someone supposedly so interested in nutrition but she is an adult
now we have to let her make those decisions, but why is she getting so thin? She moves out
from home and we don't see her for a few weeks, the change is noticeable instantly, weight
loss surely she is thin enough already, her size 8 clothes are so baggy but her boyfriend
apparently thinks she is too fat. We try to ask if she is all right, I am fine she says,
we stay silent and over the next few months pray this will stop.
Seven months after leaving home she decides to move back home, a mere shadow of the girl that left and it seems she is very
emotional now, we can do little right for her it seems, we are always wrong, she wouldn't
do anything stupid would she? We try to ask what is wrong nothing she replies. I will
never forget the phone call at work on a busy day, its your daughter says the
receptionist. Hi honey how are you? "Mum I need help please help me. I don't know
what to do" the feeling I am to know so well comes to stay, a sickness in my stomach
and a pain in my heart still there today. I tell her we will find whatever help she needs,
whatever it takes Dad and I will help her find it; we will always be there to help when
she needs it. A few weeks and she will be well. I was so naive then little did I know the
nightmare our lives would become.
We start the round of telephone calls to hospitals and mental health department surely someone out there knows what the
disease is, surely there has to be someone who can answer all out desperate questions. I
learn fast that there is no one to help us, as parents we do not exist, we have to do this
alone and frightened. That's fine we will get a book on the subject. Myers tells me there
is no call for books on the subject and other book shops tell me they need a name before
something can be ordered in, I don't know a name of an author or book, I don't know the
disease. The fear deepens, the fear of the unknown, as we watch our daughter get worse,
emotionally and physically each day, she is like a skeleton.
I finally found the help I needed from the internet a site which provided information, e mail contact with other parents and
friends and chat rooms where we could find other people living the same horror. The
friends I have made from here have been my lifelines on the bad days.
My daughter finally agrees to have blood tests suggested by her doctor. I remember that day well. I hurriedly do shopping on
my way home from work for a party we are having that night. Our daughter looks quite
cheerful for a change when we get home, its going to be a good night, I think. I go to
change when I hear the phone go, oh those days of not praying when the phone rings. I hear
a scream and rush to the kitchen, our daughter is crying I grab the phone, to hear the
words you have to go into hospital NOW this is an emergency. I ask what the tests showed,
"I do not have your daughters permission to answer that but you must get her to
hospital immediately her life depends on it." We drive in shock to the hospital this
time and more times to come, trying not to show our daughter how scared we are for her,
and watch as doctors put her on heart machines and drips, still no one will answer our
questions. When the panic is over and I am sure she is safe I go home and I get in touch
with the friends I have made they will tell me; they have power of attorney over their
daughters and can ask questions. One of the mothers gently explains electrolyte imbalance
and potassium to me and how her daughter was rushed to hospital regularly to be
resuscitated. I cry all night, this must be a nightmare I must wake up soon.
Electrolyte imbalance is a serious sodium and potassium imbalance that may cause cardiac arrest, kidney problems or muscle
spasms and is a result of the eating disorder.
Life resumes its normal patterns. Our daughter tells us she needs a break so we take her and her boyfriend on a holiday, but
the day we leave I decide to check my e-mail. My friend has written to tell me the fight
for her daughter is over. She died from electrolyte imbalance 7 days after being released
from hospital, in bed reaching for the phone trying to get help. The drive to our holiday
destination is done in a haze of tears, which last the entire week.
Seven days after the return from holiday the phone call comes again this time I ask no questions I now know the answers I
have done the research I know how serious this is. The phone calls become a part of our
life and still are.
How do parents cope with an eating disorder in the house? For me it is by finding out about the disease and what research is
going on in this area. It is the friends I have made who understand what we are going
through on a daily basis as we watch a loved one suffer so much and our life change. These
new friends who do not judge just listen. We still have our old friends but they do not
understand, to many of them an eating disorder can be solved by forcing a loved one to
eat, those of us involved know that is not the answer.
A friend described coping with her daughter's eating disorder as follows:" I lost all concentration at work and still am
not functioning, I basically exist. It has been a roller coaster ride that goes up and
down each day. Someone asked me if I prioritize the problems - I said no: they all float
in the mind. I don't sleep. I really don't live. I have no desire to socialize. I used to
be a fun person and life and soul of a party". Yet another described it as"
walking on eggshells all day every day frightened to do or say anything that will make the
conditions at home worse" Never knowing if your daughter or son is telling the truth
or telling you what you want to hear. They manipulate you very effectively to hide the
problem and to get what they want.
But above all how do we cope? We have to find a way our children are too precious whatever their age to let them die, we
have to find ways to cope for them.
Marion Sutherland
