Remembering . . .

I remember the fear and confusion I felt when our daughter was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa twenty years ago. I was determined to read everything I could find on the subject, act upon the concepts suggested in these books and - voila - in a couple of months she's be cured. Does that sound familiar? All of us lived with such delusions when we first started down that painful road.

I haunted book stores looking for something written by a parent. There was nothing, absolutely nothing! What I found were numerous volumes written by professionals, and much of the blame was laid at the parents' doorstep. I was very resentful of this and, when I look back, my attitude probably impeded our early efforts to help Kathleen. I needed to get beyond my ego and focus on "the problem." I needed to ignore the psycho-babble in the books and go with my gut instincts. I felt that we knew our daughter better than anyone else. That was our secret weapon.

But often that weapon was double-edged. We loved her and were willing to do most anything to help, but that love also made us extremely vulnerable to her manipulations. It took years before I finally realized that the best way to help her was not to help her at all.

I had to ask myself a hard question: Why should she try to help herself when there was always someone there to do it for her, to pick up the pieces when she messed-up or needed re-hospitalization? We did these things for her when she was a minor, but it continued after she turned eighteen. She would die if we didn't, wouldn't she? Or would she? Had we ever really given her a chance to show us how she'd handle it? Did we unintentionally rob her of the initiative to mold and control her own life? Tough questions and even tougher answers.

In recent years people have asked me how I would advise parents and families who are just now confronting the life and death struggles of an eating disorder. "It's a very difficult task", is how I answer them, because every situation is different. Human nature is such that we need to experience some of the agony these problems cause before we can accept guidance on how to combat them. These beleaguered new parents rationalize that their situation is different from yours or mine. So again, only after we've lived through some of the pain, can we be open to finding ways to alleviate it.

I remember recently telling a parent that, as far as I was concerned, there are five major steps in starting down the road to recovery:

1. Be sure you get the message of love across to all your children. Don't become totally focused on just one.
2. Build a united front among family and extended family in any dealings with the victim. Agreement is crucial.
3. Set definite limits to your level of tolerance for this behavior and follow through on enforcing them.
4. See that your daughter has the most competent professional help.
5. Step back and allow the experts to deal with her. You stay out of it as much as possible, unless asked to assist. TRY to relax.

Kathleen is now thirty-six years old, happily married and the mother of two beautiful daughters. I remember a conversation we had several years ago:
"If you had been in our place, what would you have done differently?" I asked.
"But you didn't do anything wrong."
"Oh but we did. We did so many things wrong."
"But, mom, it wasn't your problem, it was mine."
"Yes, but certainly you'd do it differently if, God forbid, your daughter had an eating disorder, wouldn't you?"
"No, I wouldn't. I'd get her help like you and dad did for me. I'd listen to her, as you did. I'd set limits as you tried to do. Don't beat yourself up, mom. I love you for continuing to love me when I was so unlovable."
"Well, there you've got me. That was the mission impossible - almost. But I'm so glad we hung in there because I couldn't be prouder of you now, and I know your dad would be too."

Dealing with an eating disorder is like walking a tightrope. We must be supportive and yet refuse support when they attempt to shift the responsibility to us. We must insist that they make their own decisions and accept the consequences even if those decisions are wrong. When they are forced by us to take up these burdens, their self-esteem will rise, and they will slowly begin to find their way back.

Oh yes, I remember all of it so well, but now I can look to the future with confidence. Kathleen has built a life for herself based on new acceptance, despite the past. My prayers for her, and all victims of eating disorders, is that they continue to move forward with determination and hope. They must keep their eyes focused on the many good things life has to offer. They dare not waste a single moment.

by Mary Fleming Callaghan
author of Wrinkles on the Heart; A Mother's Journal of one Family's struggle with anorexia nervosa

Visit her website to order the book: Wrinkles on the Heart
or the book can be purchased directly from:
Alabaster Press
3611 Rolling Hills Lane
Grove City, Ohio 43123-9024

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